I shall never eat again

Greetings, my beloved readers; I trust you have had as (ful)filling a Thanksgiving as I myself have enjoyed. Now, if you will excuse me, I must go be de-juiced like Violet Beauregard lest I suffer the same fate as George.

Getting my money's worth

This past summer, I was shopping for a coffee table. My good friend Emily and I stopped at a garage sale, which was run by a poor defenseless lady in a wheelchair. This helpless, kindly woman wanted an outrageous sum of money for her coffee table, so I began to bargain with her. With Emily making helpful comments such as “You know Todd, it really is a nice coffee table,” I managed to use my hardnosed bargaining abilities to fleece the little old lady and obtain my coffee table for a steal! So, if you ever need someone to help you rip off old ladies in wheelchairs, I'm your man!