To bribe or not to bribe

Some time ago, my dear friend Lisa asked me about my research, stating that she would, if possible, feature my work as The. Preeminent. Student. Scholar at MSU in the world-famous, widely lauded Engaged Scholar Magazine. Unfortunately, it has since come to my attention that there may be competition for that coveted national--nay, international place of honour and recognition.

My course of action is clear, of course: I will hire Tom to bust the head editor's kneecaps bribe Lisa with baked goods to ensure she keeps pushing for me to receive this prestigious honour. So, what should I make to bribe her?

On facial hair

Since I, alas, seem unable to grow a splendid handlebar mustache, I have decided there is only one proper alternative:

http://www.beardhead.com/

Hmm... if I were on Facebook, I would have been able to share this much more easily...