Oh my word!
I was just at the bookstore and happened to pick up and flip through that new "Harry Potter" book everyone's talking about and couldn't believe my eyes! At the part where Hermione reanimates Dumbledore's dead body to lead her mutant army of zombie mimes with clown sock puppets, what should she question the poor dear headmaster about--but the location of the PERUVIAN PASTRY BRUSH! I must investigate this "Voldemort" character. It seems he may know something of its whereabouts. Perhaps he and the little old lady are in league! It is, indeed, a MYSTERY!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Hello from Vermont!
I mean…uh…my thoughts are in Vermont right now because my two good friends, Katie and Lindsey, are there for a conference and I miss them terribly. I’d cry myself to sleep at night but luckily I have a new female in my life. She reminds me of a goddess! With her adorable green eyes and shiny black hair she has captured my heart. I make sure to schedule time with her every day. She runs to the door to greet me whenever I show up at her house. Those of you who have met her know how friendly and fun she is, although she can be a little high maintenance. However, I am so honored to have the privilege of providing her dinner every night and showering her with love and attention. If only every cat could be as wonderful as Isis.
PS. I just want to make it clear that no matter how funny a blog post Lindsey and Katie may compose, I would never think of mentioning the ending of the new Harry Potter book to my dear friend Lindsey until she has had a chance to read it once she gets back from her conference, especially since she is going to tour a chocolate factory later this week and might bring home some tasty goodies.
PS. I just want to make it clear that no matter how funny a blog post Lindsey and Katie may compose, I would never think of mentioning the ending of the new Harry Potter book to my dear friend Lindsey until she has had a chance to read it once she gets back from her conference, especially since she is going to tour a chocolate factory later this week and might bring home some tasty goodies.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Revenge of the Swindled
Alas, my comrades, I have been boonswoggled by a most wretched of persuns!
There I was at Meijer, innocently picking up ingredients for my world-famous ginger Schnapps, which I intended tofill with mind-altering substances, thereby securing my victory at Coliseum feed to my dear friends in Lansing. Alas, I was thwarted! I momentarily turned my back on my cart, which at that time contained my meticulously planned grocery list; a rare Peruvian pastry brush, imported at great personal expense directly from an ancient Incan temple, its balsam handle lovingly carved with special charms to ward off evil spirits, its bristles plucked on Midsummer Night from the body of a two-headed goat born at the new moon, its gold filigree gathered from King Solomon's mines in deepest Africa; and a kayak. Alas, in this moment whilst I was just down the aisle grabbing frozen pizzas in order to restock my larder, my cart was stolen from me.
Stolen! Without my shopping list, how was I to remember to pick up that most exotic of foods, ramen? Without my kayak, how was I to traverse the hidden river of Orontes to arrive in the secret valley of Tezcatlipoca where the certain ginger root grows, heated by the flames of the volcano Orodruin, which can only be cut by a silver dagger that has been polished by the pastry brush in the darkness of a total solar eclipse? And that pastry brush! Many bothans died to bring me that pastry brush!
As one would expect, I posthaste made my way to the end of the aisle, looking frantically all the while for my precious shopping cart and its exceedingly rare cargo. Rolling a natural twenty on my spot check, I SAW HER. It was the selfsame wheelchair-bound woman from whom I purchased my coffee table all those years ago! Exceedingly miffed and obviously maddened by a desire for revenge, she had installed a set of jet engines on her wheelchair. Cackling maniacally when she realized she had been spotted, she turned these on and started mowing down small children on her way to the exit, dragging my shopping cart and its precious contents with her all the while. In desperation, I began the operation for calling Pi-man, and his most noblest of steeds, Trog-dor, to my aid, perhaps to magically change the shape of her wheelchair tyres, but unfortunately in my haste I erred at the 297th digit and, alas, failed at my attempt.
I swear, upon my stash of chocolate, with a vow to not trim my handlebar mustache until it is accomplished, I will not rest until I have brought this malodious harpy to justice!
There I was at Meijer, innocently picking up ingredients for my world-famous ginger Schnapps, which I intended to
Stolen! Without my shopping list, how was I to remember to pick up that most exotic of foods, ramen? Without my kayak, how was I to traverse the hidden river of Orontes to arrive in the secret valley of Tezcatlipoca where the certain ginger root grows, heated by the flames of the volcano Orodruin, which can only be cut by a silver dagger that has been polished by the pastry brush in the darkness of a total solar eclipse? And that pastry brush! Many bothans died to bring me that pastry brush!
As one would expect, I posthaste made my way to the end of the aisle, looking frantically all the while for my precious shopping cart and its exceedingly rare cargo. Rolling a natural twenty on my spot check, I SAW HER. It was the selfsame wheelchair-bound woman from whom I purchased my coffee table all those years ago! Exceedingly miffed and obviously maddened by a desire for revenge, she had installed a set of jet engines on her wheelchair. Cackling maniacally when she realized she had been spotted, she turned these on and started mowing down small children on her way to the exit, dragging my shopping cart and its precious contents with her all the while. In desperation, I began the operation for calling Pi-man, and his most noblest of steeds, Trog-dor, to my aid, perhaps to magically change the shape of her wheelchair tyres, but unfortunately in my haste I erred at the 297th digit and, alas, failed at my attempt.
I swear, upon my stash of chocolate, with a vow to not trim my handlebar mustache until it is accomplished, I will not rest until I have brought this malodious harpy to justice!
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Celebrating the celebratory
The patriotic explosions of the recent holiday reminded me of some of my favorite holidays. Of course there are the holidays everyone celebrates, like the Fourth, Halloween, or Arbor Day (extended broadly to include all plants ... see also: the joy of data). But my most favorite holiday ever* is one you've probably never heard of: All Holes Day.
No, it's not a religious holiday like All Saints Day or All Souls Day. Well, I suppose if you're St. Carlos celebrating with holy snark, it could become one. But in general, not so much.
August 5th marks one full year of combined sucking for my good friends the Black Holes. In my deeply personal day of remembrance**, I plan to celebrate by wearing black ... baking and eating chocolate chip cookies ... dispensing doom via St. Petersburg, Doppelkopf, or (if necessary) video games ... looking up at the night sky and pondering all the black parts where black holes might be ... and using rhetoric in crafty ways.
Surely I will win one of the booby prizes for best celebrant or best blog post about the holiday! Perhaps I even will be granted a puffy-painted talisman of awesome!
I am so confident that I invite competition from my friends and enemies. Surely you cannot defeat me!
* in honor of people with astronomical names. No comment on what happens if they institute a Halle Berry Day.
** Of course, my desire to win a frightening prize does not tarnish the sincerity of my celebration. For, lo, it is the spirit of the season!
No, it's not a religious holiday like All Saints Day or All Souls Day. Well, I suppose if you're St. Carlos celebrating with holy snark, it could become one. But in general, not so much.
August 5th marks one full year of combined sucking for my good friends the Black Holes. In my deeply personal day of remembrance**, I plan to celebrate by wearing black ... baking and eating chocolate chip cookies ... dispensing doom via St. Petersburg, Doppelkopf, or (if necessary) video games ... looking up at the night sky and pondering all the black parts where black holes might be ... and using rhetoric in crafty ways.
Surely I will win one of the booby prizes for best celebrant or best blog post about the holiday! Perhaps I even will be granted a puffy-painted talisman of awesome!
I am so confident that I invite competition from my friends and enemies. Surely you cannot defeat me!
* in honor of people with astronomical names. No comment on what happens if they institute a Halle Berry Day.
** Of course, my desire to win a frightening prize does not tarnish the sincerity of my celebration. For, lo, it is the spirit of the season!
Thursday, July 05, 2007
The Wonders of Technology
Greetings, my beloved comrades! I must apologize for the recent lack of posts; I've been busy attempting to acquire love, happiness, and data. At a later date, I'll post on how those searches have been going. Right now, though, I would like to tell you about the marvel that is the Information Super Highway.
You see, some of my Lansing cohorts joined me yesterday for a Fourth of July picnic. After some smashing victories at four square in which I was named the undisputed champion of the playground, our conversation turned to the subject of one personage by the name of Trog-Dor, a man who is also a dragon. Myself being a gentleman adventurer of the World Wide Webiverse, I was perplexed that I had not heard of such a foul beast. Surely he is a product of this new "Inter-Web 2.0" that I keep hearing about.
Armed with my trusty Internet Explorer 4, I set out to the amazing search engine "Yahoo" to see if I could find this mythical monster. Lo and behold, he is chronicled in an Electronic mailing sent by one "Strong Bad," no doubt himself a fellow gentleman adventurer. This, my friends, is Trog-Dor--and such a loathsome creature he is! But wait: there are yet more wonders to these inter-nets! It seems that this "Trog-Dor" is also the subject of a video game. I can hardly believe that such excellent graphic capabilities exist!
I am awed by the marvels that can be uncovered by "surfing the net." I fear I have missed my calling in life. Perhaps I should have gone into "Digital Rhetoric and Professional Writing" after all.
You see, some of my Lansing cohorts joined me yesterday for a Fourth of July picnic. After some smashing victories at four square in which I was named the undisputed champion of the playground, our conversation turned to the subject of one personage by the name of Trog-Dor, a man who is also a dragon. Myself being a gentleman adventurer of the World Wide Webiverse, I was perplexed that I had not heard of such a foul beast. Surely he is a product of this new "Inter-Web 2.0" that I keep hearing about.
Armed with my trusty Internet Explorer 4, I set out to the amazing search engine "Yahoo" to see if I could find this mythical monster. Lo and behold, he is chronicled in an Electronic mailing sent by one "Strong Bad," no doubt himself a fellow gentleman adventurer. This, my friends, is Trog-Dor--and such a loathsome creature he is! But wait: there are yet more wonders to these inter-nets! It seems that this "Trog-Dor" is also the subject of a video game. I can hardly believe that such excellent graphic capabilities exist!
I am awed by the marvels that can be uncovered by "surfing the net." I fear I have missed my calling in life. Perhaps I should have gone into "Digital Rhetoric and Professional Writing" after all.
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