Perfect. I needed some help with my nefarious plans.

Lo, I hath a new favorite blog.

Another nefarious scheme gone awry

Bwa ha ha! My nefarious scheme has worked! In a singlehanded stroke of genius, I managed to render nine of my mortal enemies temporarily incapacitated with the norovirus at a party on Saturday night!

There are only two problems with this. One: St. Carlos, my arch-nemesis, seems not to have succumbed. Perhaps if I make sure we play St. Petersburg with an infected copy of the game next time we meet...?

Two: I, uhm. May or may not have infected myself with this vile plague. No, really. I have no idea. It's hard to keep track when so many of my split personalities, including those that actually write this not-blog, are separated from my physical body.

On an unrelated note, I ought to offer up two notes of congratulations: first, to Lindsey, who now officially has a Ph.D. to back up her mad scientist street cred; and second, to Lisa, who may or may not actually graduate this semester, depending on if she manages to get off her butt and finish the projects she's got due this week.

Vote!

I, Todd the Blogless, remind everyone to get out and vote today! (Especially if you live in a swing state and your favorite color is blue!)

It is my solemn vow

I apologize for my silence in recent months. I assure you that my quest for love, happiness, and data has not stopped. In fact, I had a major breakthrough this very day!

You see, I was walking across campus this afternoon, innocently minding my own business, when I heard a voice upon the wind.

"Blogless," it said.

"What?" I said in confusion, wondering if the voices had come back.

"Blogless," it cried again.

"Go away and leave me alone!" I cried back piteously. Around me, people began looking at me askance, and my walking companion began edging away from me in an attempt to disassociate himself from the madness, as if it weren't already too late for him.

Once more, the voice floated to me on the breeze. "Blogless!"

"OH WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" I cried, falling on my knees in the middle of Shaw Lane.

But the voice was silent, and I cannot help but think I missed a golden opportunity. "Next time," I told myself, pulling myself up. "Next time," I said, and began running from the police, who had pulled up next to me, sirens blaring.

Next time? I'm wearing headphones.

And I thought I had it bad

I think I need to change my Ph.D. to Horribleness.

Also, viewers be aware: this piece of, er, uhm, horribleness? will only be up until Sunday.

It's like this shirt was made for me.

Circumstances Most Mysterious

The bad economy is becoming absurd, and its repercussions are being felt even here at KBS. The number of homeless people in the area is increasing at an absurd rate; this very afternoon I set up several tents to control the amount of water on certain patches of grass provide these hobos with shelter from the rain; but alas, even this hard work is to no avail, as now there is, in fact, a hobo who has set up camp in my very yard! Unfortunately I am very busy with work this week, but I believe I shall ask Lisa, who is vacationing here at the moment, to investigate this phenomenon. Perhaps she can shed light upon this great mystery.

I am a hero

The situation was dire. Many had gathered at Lindsey's abode last Saturday in anticipation of watching the Red Wings crush the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 4 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. The TV was turned on and the audience was waiting with bated breath for the game to begin when suddenly (horrors!) the cable went out! The evil cable company had chosen this exact time for their equipment to fail because it would do the most damage to the psyche of Michigan hockey fans. Alas, it seemed as if the villain would triumph and Lindsey would go crazy with rage and nervousness!!!

However, I would not allow this injustice to persist. I immediately leapt into action, sped home, and returned with the one item that could overcome this dastardly plot: rabbit ears! My disinclination toward television technology had saved the day, and all were able to enjoy the hockey game because of my quick and brave actions. I like to think I contributed directly to the Wings' glorious victory. I truly am a hero!

I am in awe

I went to Katie's dissertation defense. It was okay, I guess. Truth be told, I didn't really hear much of it. I was too overwhelmed by Carl's t-shirt, which was too beautiful for words. It was like standing a bride on her wedding day next to Angelina Jolie, or putting any old pastry brush next to the Peruvian Pastry Brush. There's just no comparison. Why, even if I had the best handlebar mustache in the world I would only have an iota of the fashion sense Carl has! Oh, if only I had a puffy-painted designer shirt of my very own!

Desk entropy

I was amazed at the accuracy of this Ph.D. comic in depicting the trajectory my desk has taken over the years (click on the comic for a bigger view). I can only hope that I manage to get my desk to the final stage depicted in this comic by the time I defend.

Challenge Me!

This past weekend, I amazed party goers at KBS by successfully completing both the cinnamon challenge and the flour challenge on the same night!!! What are these difficult, strenuous, and manly challenges, you ask? They involve eating a select amount of an item (cinnamon or flour) dry, without the aid of any externally produced liquid swallowing agent. What especially impressed the witnesses of my triumph was my eagerness to attempt these challenges without the aid of the large amount of liquid courage normally associated with such amazing endeavors.

First, I downed a teaspoon of cinnamon with ease. Not having learned my lesson, I next consumed a tablespoon of dry flour!!! If only someone had videotaped the event and posted it on Youtube....

Sadly, I learned after completing both of my feats that the cinnamon challenge was administered incorrectly. It was supposed to be a tablespoon of cinnamon as well, thus I only completed 1/3 of the cinnamon challenge. In order to prove that I can accomplish the entire challenge, I will eat a tablespoon of cinnamon the next time I am in Lansing if my blog readers will encourage me to do so. Please, provide me with cinnamon and lots of peer pressure and I will be happy to perform the historic feat for you all!!!

A change in research, perhaps?

Hmm, perhaps I should focus on implementing a system like this on a much larger scale. Perhaps, instead of a phone call from a houseplant, the system can be tied to an automatic cloud seeder. Think of the implications for my dissertation!

Alternately, I'd accept a system for gauging levels of Theobroma cacao in my system. Something that could tell me when I've had enough, or when I desperately need more, especially combined with Arachis hypogaea.

Oh wait. That system would be my stomach.

A Renewed Enthusiasm

If you know me well by now, you are undoubtedly aware that my desire to grow a handlebar mustache has never diminished. Alas, perhaps due to my lack of accountability in this, I have yet to succeed. That, however, was before I discovered The Handlebar (Moustache) Club, an international society for my fellow mustache connoisseurs! They even have a world championship competition! What excellent role-models! Perhaps I should found a KBS-based chapter. Surely many there--Tom, for example--would be appreciative of such endeavors.

Happy New Year!

Hello, my faithful (and bored) readers! Happy 2008!

Since I am a very contemplative person, I've recently been thinking a lot about my resolutions for 2008. Should I attempt to do something simple but unique, like grow an even larger handlebar mustache? Or should I strive for the ultimate resolution --love, happiness, and data?

I've decided to take a very middle-of-the-road approach. This resolution will be challenging, but accomplishable. At times I know that I will want to give up, but I am determined to push myself until I acheive my goal. And from tackling this resolution, I hope to ultimately grow into a better person.

My resolution for 2008 is the following: to learn to love the combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

You see, I love both chocolate and peanut butter, but I don't like them together. For years I've been this way. I can eat peanut butter sandwiches until the cows come home. And I know that my faithful readers know my deep appreciation for chocolate, since I've been gracious enough to bake them chocolately desserts from time to time. Why don't I like chocolate and peanut butter together, then? I feel like I'm a walking contradiction!

Alas, the trials that this quest will produce! No longer shall I look in disdain at Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. No longer will I be able to turn down Moose Tracks ice cream. And gone are the days when I will keep the peanut butter jar and a Hershey's bar on opposite sides of my office desk.

To recap, combining chocolate and peanut butter (and liking that combo) will be my goal for 2008. Perhaps my faithful readers will support me in my quest by showering me with new treats that I can learn to enjoy.