Gentle readers, on this eve of Christ's birth, I have decided to reveal that which has been hidden for many, many years. You see, I am a collector of certain fine items, and though I may deny it outwardly--in fact, I will most likely claim that this is an untruth forged by one of my many alternate personalities who writes this blog, the one named Lisa, I believe--I have always and will always be a collector of fine pieces of craftsmanship.
What are these items I collect, you may ask? Two words: Jesus Kitsch.
Why, just today I stumbled upon a fine web site specializing in this! I only wish I had come across this site sooner; I would have gotten gifts for all my friends! For Rob, there is a fine collection of golf paraphanalia. For Carl and Alan, what gift would be better than this game? Would Peri and Angel not walk down the street with pride wearing these gifts? What rhetoricians would not love these books? And as for myself, all I want is a double-deck of these cards. Can you not imagine playing doppelkopf on them? The heart! It swells!
Alas, it is too late for me to purchase these gifts in time for this festive occasion, though I certainly wouldn't object to a belated present. Ah well. We'll all have to just be satisfied with this piece of holiday cheer.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
One torch to rule them all...
Many of you know me as "Todd the Blogless," or perhaps "that guy who grows weeds on purpose ... but not that kind."
Few people know me by another of my rightful titles - "Todd, bringer of fire."
No, I am not the type to rob the gods, in case you are wondering. More Frodo than Bilbo, a member of my family entrusted me with this enchanted fire, and I, in turn, wander the face of the earth sharing it with others. Also like Frodo, my special gift is of interest to everyone. Everyone wants to share the fire-laden love.
"Love," in enchanted fire terms, includes chocolate crème brulée.
Enchanted fire is even able to resist the machinations of black holes. Or at least not be sucked into one.
As the sharer of the torch, I am become a sort of Pyro Claus. And there is no one more popular than Pyro Claus.
Few people know me by another of my rightful titles - "Todd, bringer of fire."
No, I am not the type to rob the gods, in case you are wondering. More Frodo than Bilbo, a member of my family entrusted me with this enchanted fire, and I, in turn, wander the face of the earth sharing it with others. Also like Frodo, my special gift is of interest to everyone. Everyone wants to share the fire-laden love.
"Love," in enchanted fire terms, includes chocolate crème brulée.
Enchanted fire is even able to resist the machinations of black holes. Or at least not be sucked into one.
As the sharer of the torch, I am become a sort of Pyro Claus. And there is no one more popular than Pyro Claus.
You know, I always knew there was a reason that Carl and Katie were BFF. This research proves that together they can have love, happiness, AND data!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
My New Philosophy
Lately, as I have been teaching some of my KBS cohorts how to play various games like Doppelkopf, St. Petersburg, and, of course, my personal favorite, called "Love, Happiness, and Data" (first one to get all three in real life wins), I have been contemplating my strategies, for I, of course, am always looking to improve myself and enhance my experience as a student of life. Finally, as I was doing my holy rites one evening, as if placed there by the blessed saint himself, I realized that I must simply ask myself one question: What would Carl Do?
It is the most excellent of strategies! Why, I could even market this slogan, though I would likely have to abbreviate it to something memorable, like "WWCD?" I can see it now: myriads upon myriads of people wearing, say, little blue woven bracelets with this philosophy blazoned upon them--a constant reminder of the futility of life and the agony of defeat. Perhaps, with the fortune and fame gained by the creation and excellent marketing strategy of such wonderful items, I myself would be the victor of "Love, Happiness, and Data!"...though I fear I would have to forgo my graduate studies in this pursuit. Hmm, I wonder what Carl would do in this situation?
It is the most excellent of strategies! Why, I could even market this slogan, though I would likely have to abbreviate it to something memorable, like "WWCD?" I can see it now: myriads upon myriads of people wearing, say, little blue woven bracelets with this philosophy blazoned upon them--a constant reminder of the futility of life and the agony of defeat. Perhaps, with the fortune and fame gained by the creation and excellent marketing strategy of such wonderful items, I myself would be the victor of "Love, Happiness, and Data!"...though I fear I would have to forgo my graduate studies in this pursuit. Hmm, I wonder what Carl would do in this situation?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Cause for Celebration Pt 2
Continuing the trend of all the very best and coolest people in the world being born in September, it is my birthday today!
My birthday wish list includes chocolate, peanut butter (but not together!), pie, pi, a cat as wonderful as Isis, beating Carl at St. Petersburg, beating Lindsey at Doppelkopf, lots of red meat, Dance Dance Revolution (so I can practice my crazy-awesome moves!), more posts on my non-blog, and a date with a Red Wings player for my friend Lindsey.
There may be a few things I've forgotten. Feel free to suggest them here!
My birthday wish list includes chocolate, peanut butter (but not together!), pie, pi, a cat as wonderful as Isis, beating Carl at St. Petersburg, beating Lindsey at Doppelkopf, lots of red meat, Dance Dance Revolution (so I can practice my crazy-awesome moves!), more posts on my non-blog, and a date with a Red Wings player for my friend Lindsey.
There may be a few things I've forgotten. Feel free to suggest them here!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
It is a cause for celebration!
Yes, gentle readers, it is my good friend Lindsey's birthday today. Be sure to send her all your well-wishes.
I, alas, have not yet purchased a gift appropriate for this momentous occasion. My initial goal was to buy her a date with the entire Red Wings hockey team, but alas, that was a bit out of my price range. Perhaps to console her, I shall take her out for some lovely, juicy steak. What woman, after all, can resist the delicious aroma of lightly braised red meat?
I, alas, have not yet purchased a gift appropriate for this momentous occasion. My initial goal was to buy her a date with the entire Red Wings hockey team, but alas, that was a bit out of my price range. Perhaps to console her, I shall take her out for some lovely, juicy steak. What woman, after all, can resist the delicious aroma of lightly braised red meat?
Monday, July 23, 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Oh my word!
I was just at the bookstore and happened to pick up and flip through that new "Harry Potter" book everyone's talking about and couldn't believe my eyes! At the part where Hermione reanimates Dumbledore's dead body to lead her mutant army of zombie mimes with clown sock puppets, what should she question the poor dear headmaster about--but the location of the PERUVIAN PASTRY BRUSH! I must investigate this "Voldemort" character. It seems he may know something of its whereabouts. Perhaps he and the little old lady are in league! It is, indeed, a MYSTERY!
I was just at the bookstore and happened to pick up and flip through that new "Harry Potter" book everyone's talking about and couldn't believe my eyes! At the part where Hermione reanimates Dumbledore's dead body to lead her mutant army of zombie mimes with clown sock puppets, what should she question the poor dear headmaster about--but the location of the PERUVIAN PASTRY BRUSH! I must investigate this "Voldemort" character. It seems he may know something of its whereabouts. Perhaps he and the little old lady are in league! It is, indeed, a MYSTERY!
Hello from Vermont!
I mean…uh…my thoughts are in Vermont right now because my two good friends, Katie and Lindsey, are there for a conference and I miss them terribly. I’d cry myself to sleep at night but luckily I have a new female in my life. She reminds me of a goddess! With her adorable green eyes and shiny black hair she has captured my heart. I make sure to schedule time with her every day. She runs to the door to greet me whenever I show up at her house. Those of you who have met her know how friendly and fun she is, although she can be a little high maintenance. However, I am so honored to have the privilege of providing her dinner every night and showering her with love and attention. If only every cat could be as wonderful as Isis.
PS. I just want to make it clear that no matter how funny a blog post Lindsey and Katie may compose, I would never think of mentioning the ending of the new Harry Potter book to my dear friend Lindsey until she has had a chance to read it once she gets back from her conference, especially since she is going to tour a chocolate factory later this week and might bring home some tasty goodies.
PS. I just want to make it clear that no matter how funny a blog post Lindsey and Katie may compose, I would never think of mentioning the ending of the new Harry Potter book to my dear friend Lindsey until she has had a chance to read it once she gets back from her conference, especially since she is going to tour a chocolate factory later this week and might bring home some tasty goodies.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Revenge of the Swindled
Alas, my comrades, I have been boonswoggled by a most wretched of persuns!
There I was at Meijer, innocently picking up ingredients for my world-famous ginger Schnapps, which I intended tofill with mind-altering substances, thereby securing my victory at Coliseum feed to my dear friends in Lansing. Alas, I was thwarted! I momentarily turned my back on my cart, which at that time contained my meticulously planned grocery list; a rare Peruvian pastry brush, imported at great personal expense directly from an ancient Incan temple, its balsam handle lovingly carved with special charms to ward off evil spirits, its bristles plucked on Midsummer Night from the body of a two-headed goat born at the new moon, its gold filigree gathered from King Solomon's mines in deepest Africa; and a kayak. Alas, in this moment whilst I was just down the aisle grabbing frozen pizzas in order to restock my larder, my cart was stolen from me.
Stolen! Without my shopping list, how was I to remember to pick up that most exotic of foods, ramen? Without my kayak, how was I to traverse the hidden river of Orontes to arrive in the secret valley of Tezcatlipoca where the certain ginger root grows, heated by the flames of the volcano Orodruin, which can only be cut by a silver dagger that has been polished by the pastry brush in the darkness of a total solar eclipse? And that pastry brush! Many bothans died to bring me that pastry brush!
As one would expect, I posthaste made my way to the end of the aisle, looking frantically all the while for my precious shopping cart and its exceedingly rare cargo. Rolling a natural twenty on my spot check, I SAW HER. It was the selfsame wheelchair-bound woman from whom I purchased my coffee table all those years ago! Exceedingly miffed and obviously maddened by a desire for revenge, she had installed a set of jet engines on her wheelchair. Cackling maniacally when she realized she had been spotted, she turned these on and started mowing down small children on her way to the exit, dragging my shopping cart and its precious contents with her all the while. In desperation, I began the operation for calling Pi-man, and his most noblest of steeds, Trog-dor, to my aid, perhaps to magically change the shape of her wheelchair tyres, but unfortunately in my haste I erred at the 297th digit and, alas, failed at my attempt.
I swear, upon my stash of chocolate, with a vow to not trim my handlebar mustache until it is accomplished, I will not rest until I have brought this malodious harpy to justice!
There I was at Meijer, innocently picking up ingredients for my world-famous ginger Schnapps, which I intended to
Stolen! Without my shopping list, how was I to remember to pick up that most exotic of foods, ramen? Without my kayak, how was I to traverse the hidden river of Orontes to arrive in the secret valley of Tezcatlipoca where the certain ginger root grows, heated by the flames of the volcano Orodruin, which can only be cut by a silver dagger that has been polished by the pastry brush in the darkness of a total solar eclipse? And that pastry brush! Many bothans died to bring me that pastry brush!
As one would expect, I posthaste made my way to the end of the aisle, looking frantically all the while for my precious shopping cart and its exceedingly rare cargo. Rolling a natural twenty on my spot check, I SAW HER. It was the selfsame wheelchair-bound woman from whom I purchased my coffee table all those years ago! Exceedingly miffed and obviously maddened by a desire for revenge, she had installed a set of jet engines on her wheelchair. Cackling maniacally when she realized she had been spotted, she turned these on and started mowing down small children on her way to the exit, dragging my shopping cart and its precious contents with her all the while. In desperation, I began the operation for calling Pi-man, and his most noblest of steeds, Trog-dor, to my aid, perhaps to magically change the shape of her wheelchair tyres, but unfortunately in my haste I erred at the 297th digit and, alas, failed at my attempt.
I swear, upon my stash of chocolate, with a vow to not trim my handlebar mustache until it is accomplished, I will not rest until I have brought this malodious harpy to justice!
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Celebrating the celebratory
The patriotic explosions of the recent holiday reminded me of some of my favorite holidays. Of course there are the holidays everyone celebrates, like the Fourth, Halloween, or Arbor Day (extended broadly to include all plants ... see also: the joy of data). But my most favorite holiday ever* is one you've probably never heard of: All Holes Day.
No, it's not a religious holiday like All Saints Day or All Souls Day. Well, I suppose if you're St. Carlos celebrating with holy snark, it could become one. But in general, not so much.
August 5th marks one full year of combined sucking for my good friends the Black Holes. In my deeply personal day of remembrance**, I plan to celebrate by wearing black ... baking and eating chocolate chip cookies ... dispensing doom via St. Petersburg, Doppelkopf, or (if necessary) video games ... looking up at the night sky and pondering all the black parts where black holes might be ... and using rhetoric in crafty ways.
Surely I will win one of the booby prizes for best celebrant or best blog post about the holiday! Perhaps I even will be granted a puffy-painted talisman of awesome!
I am so confident that I invite competition from my friends and enemies. Surely you cannot defeat me!
* in honor of people with astronomical names. No comment on what happens if they institute a Halle Berry Day.
** Of course, my desire to win a frightening prize does not tarnish the sincerity of my celebration. For, lo, it is the spirit of the season!
No, it's not a religious holiday like All Saints Day or All Souls Day. Well, I suppose if you're St. Carlos celebrating with holy snark, it could become one. But in general, not so much.
August 5th marks one full year of combined sucking for my good friends the Black Holes. In my deeply personal day of remembrance**, I plan to celebrate by wearing black ... baking and eating chocolate chip cookies ... dispensing doom via St. Petersburg, Doppelkopf, or (if necessary) video games ... looking up at the night sky and pondering all the black parts where black holes might be ... and using rhetoric in crafty ways.
Surely I will win one of the booby prizes for best celebrant or best blog post about the holiday! Perhaps I even will be granted a puffy-painted talisman of awesome!
I am so confident that I invite competition from my friends and enemies. Surely you cannot defeat me!
* in honor of people with astronomical names. No comment on what happens if they institute a Halle Berry Day.
** Of course, my desire to win a frightening prize does not tarnish the sincerity of my celebration. For, lo, it is the spirit of the season!
Thursday, July 05, 2007
The Wonders of Technology
Greetings, my beloved comrades! I must apologize for the recent lack of posts; I've been busy attempting to acquire love, happiness, and data. At a later date, I'll post on how those searches have been going. Right now, though, I would like to tell you about the marvel that is the Information Super Highway.
You see, some of my Lansing cohorts joined me yesterday for a Fourth of July picnic. After some smashing victories at four square in which I was named the undisputed champion of the playground, our conversation turned to the subject of one personage by the name of Trog-Dor, a man who is also a dragon. Myself being a gentleman adventurer of the World Wide Webiverse, I was perplexed that I had not heard of such a foul beast. Surely he is a product of this new "Inter-Web 2.0" that I keep hearing about.
Armed with my trusty Internet Explorer 4, I set out to the amazing search engine "Yahoo" to see if I could find this mythical monster. Lo and behold, he is chronicled in an Electronic mailing sent by one "Strong Bad," no doubt himself a fellow gentleman adventurer. This, my friends, is Trog-Dor--and such a loathsome creature he is! But wait: there are yet more wonders to these inter-nets! It seems that this "Trog-Dor" is also the subject of a video game. I can hardly believe that such excellent graphic capabilities exist!
I am awed by the marvels that can be uncovered by "surfing the net." I fear I have missed my calling in life. Perhaps I should have gone into "Digital Rhetoric and Professional Writing" after all.
You see, some of my Lansing cohorts joined me yesterday for a Fourth of July picnic. After some smashing victories at four square in which I was named the undisputed champion of the playground, our conversation turned to the subject of one personage by the name of Trog-Dor, a man who is also a dragon. Myself being a gentleman adventurer of the World Wide Webiverse, I was perplexed that I had not heard of such a foul beast. Surely he is a product of this new "Inter-Web 2.0" that I keep hearing about.
Armed with my trusty Internet Explorer 4, I set out to the amazing search engine "Yahoo" to see if I could find this mythical monster. Lo and behold, he is chronicled in an Electronic mailing sent by one "Strong Bad," no doubt himself a fellow gentleman adventurer. This, my friends, is Trog-Dor--and such a loathsome creature he is! But wait: there are yet more wonders to these inter-nets! It seems that this "Trog-Dor" is also the subject of a video game. I can hardly believe that such excellent graphic capabilities exist!
I am awed by the marvels that can be uncovered by "surfing the net." I fear I have missed my calling in life. Perhaps I should have gone into "Digital Rhetoric and Professional Writing" after all.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Ugh, my head...
...what was I doing last night? I can't remember... All I know is, a friend posted a picture... is that me? With two women? And alcohol? What on earth was I doing last night?
Saturday, May 12, 2007
An Historic Day!
The stars have aligned for me today as I accomplished the gaming triple crown:
1. I beat Carl at St. Petersburg
2. I beat Carl at Ticket to Ride
3. I beat Lindsey at Doppelkopf
It is difficult to accomplish even one of these challenging feats, and I managed to do all three of them in the same day! Such a thing will probably never happen to me again, so I need to savor my victories while I can!
1. I beat Carl at St. Petersburg
2. I beat Carl at Ticket to Ride
3. I beat Lindsey at Doppelkopf
It is difficult to accomplish even one of these challenging feats, and I managed to do all three of them in the same day! Such a thing will probably never happen to me again, so I need to savor my victories while I can!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Great news!
I got a very exciting phone call today. A recruiter from ABC was at Carl and Steph's wedding and saw my amazing dancing talent. They want me to be on the next Dancing with the Stars as one of the professionals! I hope they recruit Oprah to be my partner, though I wouldn't say no to Kirsten Dunst either.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
What to wear?
Ah, wedding season. I love weddings, and I’m overjoyed about attending a wedding this weekend for two good friends of mine. The problem is that I can’t decide what to wear. It’s a special occasion, and that calls for special attire. I’d like to poll my blog readers for what they think I should wear.
Option #1: I will wear this shirt with some nice khaki pants.
Option #2: A bit more extravagant – I will wear this suit that I’ve been keeping around for years.
Opinions and suggestions?
Option #1: I will wear this shirt with some nice khaki pants.
Option #2: A bit more extravagant – I will wear this suit that I’ve been keeping around for years.
Opinions and suggestions?
Friday, March 30, 2007
IMPORTANT NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT
My dear friend Pi-Man has told me a very important piece of news. Due to a change in circumstances, Pi-Man will be shifting his superpowers. That's right: he will no longer be Pi-Man; his new name and super power will be Pi-Man.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Happy Pi Day!
This song is 3 minutes and 14 seconds long.
Additionally, Pi-Man will go to the florist's today and buy exactly four roses. Three of these roses will remain intact. The fourth will be carefully measured and cut down to 14% of its original size. These roses will be delivered to Katie's doorstep at exactly 3:14 this afternoon.
Additionally, Pi-Man will go to the florist's today and buy exactly four roses. Three of these roses will remain intact. The fourth will be carefully measured and cut down to 14% of its original size. These roses will be delivered to Katie's doorstep at exactly 3:14 this afternoon.
Monday, February 26, 2007
I apologize
Dear readers, it has come to my attention that I haven't not-blogged in a long time. I, of course, have a very good reason for this lack of a lack of blogging: I have decided against not giving up not-blogging for Lent, but instead to not not-give-up not-not-blogging, which will manifest itself on this non-blog as a distinct not-lack of not-blogposts, which will not be demonstrated through a not-lack of non-blogging, but through a not-blog blog about my not-blogging, which may or may not resemble my current not-blog. As a special message to my not-blog non-readers, fear not: in short, this Lent I vow to not not-blog as often as I have not not not-blogged in the past. Or not.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Sweet, sweet victory
Victory is mine! MINE, I say!!
For those of you who didn't witness me in all my glory, I beat Carl at St. Petersburg last night. I believe the conversation went a little something like this:
My friend: (gasps) "Todd, you won!!"
Me: "Ahem...not only did I WIN, but Carl came in LAST!"
My friend: "Um...well yes but you only won by 2 points."
Me: "But I WON! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!"
Another friend: "Gee Todd...how did you do that? It takes so much skill!"
Me: "Well, see, it was quite simple and trivial..."
Friend #3: "Todd won? I'm so impressed -- you're the best St. Petersburg player in Lansing!"
Me: "Why thank you; I have to agree..."
Friend #3: "Actually, I'll bet that you're the best St. Petersburg player in the entire world!"
Friend #4: "No wait -- in the entire UNIVERSE!"
All my friends: "All hail Todd! He has been victorious at last!"
Carl: "Todd, you're going to have to give me some gaming tips. Have any advice on when to take a Mistress?"
*everyone pauses*
All my friends: (chanting) "Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!"
This has been one of the best days of my life.
For those of you who didn't witness me in all my glory, I beat Carl at St. Petersburg last night. I believe the conversation went a little something like this:
My friend: (gasps) "Todd, you won!!"
Me: "Ahem...not only did I WIN, but Carl came in LAST!"
My friend: "Um...well yes but you only won by 2 points."
Me: "But I WON! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!"
Another friend: "Gee Todd...how did you do that? It takes so much skill!"
Me: "Well, see, it was quite simple and trivial..."
Friend #3: "Todd won? I'm so impressed -- you're the best St. Petersburg player in Lansing!"
Me: "Why thank you; I have to agree..."
Friend #3: "Actually, I'll bet that you're the best St. Petersburg player in the entire world!"
Friend #4: "No wait -- in the entire UNIVERSE!"
All my friends: "All hail Todd! He has been victorious at last!"
Carl: "Todd, you're going to have to give me some gaming tips. Have any advice on when to take a Mistress?"
*everyone pauses*
All my friends: (chanting) "Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!"
This has been one of the best days of my life.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Twooo Wuv
Ladies and gentlemen, I have finally found the perfect mate...
...for Katie.
That's right, people. Feast your eyes on this vision of studliness. And he's even a superhero! Why, I wouldn't be surprised if he used his superpowers even last night to vigilantly guard her doorstep! Alas that she did not look out in time to see him, his eyes the color of dirt, his hair unkempt and unwashed in the desperation of his love, holding a bouquet of dandelions and two queens of clubs, begging, pleading, saying, "if only Katie would love me!" Carpe diem, Katie, carpe diem.
Perhaps it is for the best. After all, how can she, Rob, and Lisa have their triple honeymoon if she is the only one married? Perhaps this perfect match for Katie can simultaneously find them their respective life mates. One can only hope.
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